My Summer Without Internet

Computers are like desk drawers. They’re functional, they hold lots of important things, and they’re easily accessible. Unfortunately, if you fill a desk drawer with too much crap, it’s likely not to function properly. This is the fate that befell my poor, overworked laptop. Overworked might be the wrong word, as that implies actual work. I use it to gchat, read about current obsessions like Mad Men and Twilight, and write the occasional blog post. The SilverBeast (as my enormous, silver Dell laptop is affectionately known since it first came out of the box) is not on it’s last legs, per se, but it can’t have that many legs left.
**By the way, as I wrote this paragraph I considered using a synonym for the word ‘silver’ instead of using it twice (variety! That’s what blogging is all about. Give the people what they want). I discovered that Microsoft Word offers ‘hoary’ as an appropriate alternative. Interesting. I did not know this was a word. And it sounds hilarious. Huzah! The rarely-used thesaurus that someone gave me when they switched offices (because really, who needs an actual hard bound Roget’s thesaurus when you can right click?) gets its day in the sun:

hoary, adj. old, aged, venerable, ancient; frosty, white; gray[ed]. See AGE.

I think all of those words apply to my computer. It’s three years old. That counts as ancient in the world of technology. And we learned a new word. Or you learned that I learned a new word, if in fact you were already aware of the aforementioned word.

I digress.

My computer exists merely to save documents, store photos, log on to the internet, and make creative birthday cards with Print Shop. That’s pretty much all I use it for. Apparently one computer can only hold so many old college papers and drunken photos, in addition to the entire contents of my iPod. In other words, my hard drive is too full. Upon digging into the properties menu that displays a breakdown of the way the hard drive is being used, I discover a pie chart that spells doom. 99% full. The tiniest slice of the pie indicates the available space, bringing to mind a choice Mitch Hedberg bit:

‘I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the
smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do
if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity”
slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it!”’

The available space on my computer is definitely the “donate it to charity” slice. BOGUS. That’s what I have to say to that. This computer is huge. I mean, it’s almost obscene how big this desktop-disguised-as-a-laptop is. There is no way that I am the first person to fill this computer up. How can something so enormous be relied upon to hold so little? (that might be what she said). I can’t even carry it around without creating a divot in my shoulder, despite its cute red carrying case (instead of the trendy polka dot cases at Target that were way too small for the beast). This thing could crush one of those dainty Mac laptops the way it weighs down my thighs when I use it as it’s proper name implies (read: on my LAP). I begrudge the fact that a computer that weighs as much as a small child cannot hold its weight in information. It’s full. Of gigabytes or whatever. Full to the point of destruction.

So I can’t get on the internet or download songs or upload pictures or do any loading at all, other than loading the damn thing into the trash. I recently bought myself a snappy little external hard drive which cost me a pretty penny…10,000 pretty pennies to be exact. The need for all those pennies and my lack of a job throughout the glorious summer months forced me OFFLINE. So I’ve been out of the loop when it comes to the normal things one uses the internet for ie: e-mail, weather check ups, news gathering, etc. Not that I was ever really in the loop when it comes to news before the great computer meltdown of ’08, so my main problem was leaving the house without an umbrella. Now I’m back at work pulling in checks that are slightly higher than those issued to me by the government during my temporary unemployment. The irony is, now that I have the money to fix my computer, I spend all damn day staring at one at work.